Not Feeling Well

Ive been so busy the past 3 days! I had a doctors appointment this morning for an ultrasound to measure a cyst that is growing rapidly and painfully. I had a surgery back in 2008 for the same thing. Daniel was home on leave from Afghanistan at the time. When he came back for good that following April, we moved to the city we are in now and I lost the state funded insurance I had. During the past year, I have been in a lot of pain. I was hoping things would hold off until after we were married and I was able to see a doctor. Well, last week was my appt. I had another appointment today to measure the size of the cyst and she was not able to find it. She said she thought it may have ruptured. Everything I have read about a rupture was not good and sounded very scary. I was not able to see my doctor after the ultasound so I guess we will see. All through the day though, I have been in pain in the exact area where it is and I DONT think that it ruptured at all. Ugh, I dont know what is happening to me. Im scared and just wish I could have a straight answer.

Daniel is stressing me out. I have thankfully been able to talk to him since the first phone call. I guess Im being needy and insecure. I just want him to reassure me that we are going to be ok through all of this. This is nothing like the last deployment. We were able to talk last time. We chatted online and talked to each other. This time I get one 20min phone call. Which I am thankful for but being a newlywed, how are we supposed to make it with 20min a day? I dont understand. Everyone seems to stress how important communication is.......blah blah blah. If its so important, why isn't it offered to him? Im so annoyed and irritated, I can feel my blood pressure rise with every thought.

Im painting my bedroom on Friday. Something I have wanted to do since we moved in over a year ago. My dear friend is going to help me. It starts with a " this wont be so hard" but ALWAYS turns into , " I didn't think it would be so hard". Its a gorgeous color, I just hope I am not in more pain than I am now, afterwards. I will take a few pictures when its complete. The paint anyway. I have more ideas I want to do but one thing at a time I suppose.

G'night!

Fun few days

I haven't posted in a few days. Just been super busy! I Finally talked to Daniel on the phone. I can't even begin to express the relief and happiness I felt hearing his voice. He is ok, not very happy with how things are going right now but, there are so many people that its hard to get any contact with home and he is on 12 hours shifts. Poor guy. I tried to help him feel better but, I dont know what he is going through so its hard for me to find the right thing to say. Sometimes, maybe its just better to listen but I don't want him to think that Im not trying.  He sounded good and made me really miss him even more than I already do. I miss his jokes, his annoying habits, and odd little things he does.  I miss everything and its hard to think of this house as an actual home with him not here in it.

 I have handled the already random situations that always seem to pop us just after he has deployed. Issues with the van, paperwork for things, and illness.  Dont get me wrong, Im no stranger to having to get things done and continuing on with daily life. Before Daniel and I, I already had 2 children and was a single mom and had been for about 2 years. 2 years isn't as long as some single mom's out there but my boys were 2 and 3.  That, that was tough. Especially because I really had nobody at all there to help. But, I survived and I did it all on my own. I guess you just get in a pattern and comfort zone of having someone not only that you love around you and sharing in that joy but, someone that helps out and takes the full load off of you. Its completely manageable to go from that to single parent again but definitely adds is a sense of being ooverwhelmed and stressed out. Solely from the pressure of doing it all alone once again. Anway, its getting done and taken care of and feels nice to once again feel as though I am contributing to the household.

Gracie girl had her very first sleep over with her adorable friend Kloe. She is 4 and Gracie is almost 3. They had a little ice cream party. They were allowed to add in anything they wanted and really enjoyed creating their own sundaes. At bedtime, you could hear them chatting to one another and once they woke up, they were off together downstairs, hand in hand, to play. They were treated to choco-chip pancakes with fresh cut strawberries, a slice of bacon and a yummy glass of cold milk. There was more playing and an art project later on and then a strawberry shortcake movie before lunch. Kloe had to go and Gracie said goodbye with hugs. It was a great 1st over night experience!

                                                                             

                                                                              

Today, after being spolied with another phone call from Daniel ( YAY YAY YAY!!!)  Gracie and I were treated to a lovely BBQ with my closest friend (whose hubby is also overseas)  and her parents at their home. They are such wonderful and sweet people. My friend had her 3 kids (which are all the exact same age and gender as mine. Like within days, same.) and they played, we ate and looked at old pictures, had icecream and sat outside in the gorgeous 79 degree warm sun. Her mother made a beautiful stain glass piece as a wedding gift for Daniel and I. It was such a wonderful time and I had a blast.

Home now and taking in the events of the weekend. It was full of things to do which is just what I need to keep me busy and help these days to start going by faster and faster. The boys are out of school tomorrow for Labor Day and we will get things ready for the upcoming school week and just kinda hang out. Its days like these that I feel so blessed and grateful to have what I do. Even though aspects aren't what I would necessarily like, Im grateful for what I do have and what Im given each day.

Make way, One PROUD mommy coming through!

  This evening was Open House at the boys' school. In past years (4 now) I have attended every school function, play, open house, ect. Of course I want to be involved in all aspects of my childrens' lives for as long as they will let me. I take their education and schooling extremely seriously. I not only want to see them excel but to enjoy it.

Nathan: Since his 1st grade year (he is in 3rd now) he has struggled. Not acedemically but, socialy. He had, for 2 years, been bullied. He had rocks thrown at him, dirt dumped in his hair, been publicly humiliated, and just flat out hated school. It was followed with Teachers who could care less and one even repremanded him for telling on other kids. Needless to say, that teacher (as well as the principal) got an earful from me. I understand about constant tattling. I hear it on a daily basis; he hit me, he is breathing on me, he is thinking about living today. But, these kids were treating my child like crap and he tried to do what I instilled in him. If someone is hurting you, tell an adult. Anyway, we entered 3rd grade. He was still in the mindset of last year. The first few days, he was already getting notes home. Then, something happened. His teacher, even though this is her 1st year, brought the true Nathan out. She has, in a week's time, reformed my child. He is good everyday. He helps out the teacher and other kids. He is chosen to do tasks and is finally enjoying school. He was tested and discovered to be extremely smart and test WAY higher than the other children in his class. Therefore, he was acting out bc he was bored. She is amazing and I wish she would follow him through the rest of his school days. She planned extra things for him, harder work, and more leadership type responsibilities. All of his other teachers, art PE and music, have all said the same thing. They asked me what I did and I told him it was his fantastic teacher. Wow, we really lucked out. I am so proud of my baby boy. I couldn't help but stop in the hallway and hold him while I shed a few tears. He got embarrassed but I didn't care. I am beaming with pride and happiness. He is trying so hard and doing such a wonderful job.

                                                          

Tanner: My sweet little Tanner. He had some issues as a younger boy. He required special attention. He was abused in a daycare for quite some time. I never knew and for that, I carry So much guilt around with me. I look back and see the little things that, at the time, couldn't piece together. Since then, we have been to therapy. He needed special care at daycares and when nobody could give him the things he needed, I quit my job and pulled him out all together. We spent priceless days together when his baby sister was only months old. I hold those days close to my heart. He started school and after meeting with some teachers, we chose one who had experience in some of his problem areas. Ever since, he seems to do better and better. His teacher had great things to say about him and he proudly showed me his desk, artwork, and writing journal.  He has come so far. He has exceeded all of my expectations and has continuously surprised me with his abilities and achievements.

                                                         

I have to say, there are so many times when I am overwhelmed and irritated with the little things they do. As boys, they love the dirt and messes which I, having OCD, get so angry over. I can't possibly imagine my life without these 2. They are my world and each one of them has a piece of my heart. I am so lucky and blessed to have such an amazing family.

Where is Dr.Dre's song, "Today was NOT a good day"?

Ugh. Just ugh. Thats all I can manage to get out. I suppose everyone has to have those days in order to stay humble but jeez. Thankfully, today is over. The kids are in bed and everything school related is completed and ready for tomorrow. It started out pretty good, I thought. Maybe I just woke up in a mood. I got the kids off to school and cleaned a little. I made lunch and lit a few fall candles to get the house smelling nice. I watched my neighbors youngest kids. They played and had fun and there were no incidents. Looking back now, I guess it was just my afternoon that went south. After the boys got home from school, we loaded up in the van (that I pray can hold out just a little longer to get fixed!) and drove on post. First stop the bank. For a 30 min wait in the drive-thru. Yes, 30 minutes! I was so irritated, the boys hadn't started their homework bc we left as soon as they got home so we could be back quickly. Then to the PX for haircuts. Taco Bell for dinner ( it was almost 6 at this point. No way am I going to get dinner served, homework done and kids in bed by 7:30 at this point) for another 20min wait until I got fed up and went inside to order. Home, eat, homework, dishes, lunches, spelling word review, pj's, flossing & brushing, face washing, stories, kisses, reassurance, snuggles, DONE!   

Poor Gracie too. I mean I know that Daniel can't get to a phone. Well he can, he just doesnt want to wait in line for 3 hours. But Gracie is desparately waiting to hear his voice. I keep telling her that daddy is going to call her but then he doesn't and it crushes her. I feel bad for telling her he is going to call but at the same time, Im trying to let her know that he hasn't forgotten about her. When I spoke with him last night online, he said he was going to get a phone card today and try to set up the phone he got for out there. I dont want to be mad at him because I dont necessarily know all the circumstances but I see her heart aching for him and its killing me.  Ugh, this is mych harder than last time. She is not a 7wk old newborn that doesn't know any better. She has feelings and opinions. She knows more than we think she does. She bonded so deeply to her father. I guess I am where she is but trying to hold it together for her sake. When she sees me cry, she cries. Putting her to bed tonight, I told her that her daddy loves her so much and she told me that she would never give up. " I will never give up mommy, I miss my daddy." What 2 year old says that? God, please ease her hurting. Give her some peace and comfort and solace by being able to see her father or just hear from him atleast. This is so difficult to try and constantly keep telling her things that aren't happening.

7 days, no phone calls.

So, I spent a while writing a pretty good blog the other night and when I went to publish it, "Oops, something has happened. We can't fing the requested page". Ugh. I needed a few days after that. I was pretty mad. Needless to say, this one will be copied before I push that little button down there.

 Its been over a week now(9 days to be exact) since Daniel left. He has made stops in different places and finally has arrived at his new dusty home away from home. This deployment has proven, already, to be much different from the last one. He is in the exact same place he went to in 08 but, instead of 200 people at this camp (which patrols a place the size of Texas) this time there is over 4000. Phone lines are a 3 hour wait and computer is 2 for 15min of usage. He was a night time battle captain last time and his hours were such that nobody was at the phone/internet tent when he got off of work. We were able to talk for hours most nights. I think that spoiled me. That is not even close to how things are unfolding this go around. I have yet to hear his voice in a full week now. Thankfully, I have gotten little messages here and there on facebook but nothing compares to hearing him say, " I Love You " rather than reading it. BUT, I will definitely take what I can get at this point. Im greatful from any kind of word from him.

Our daughter is having a tough time. She is an all out daddy's girl. He is such a fantastic father. So much so that she is go through a range of emotions. She can be happy one minute. Making pictures for daddy and telling anyone who will listen that her daddy loves her and will come home soon. To, out of nowhere, being mad & stomping off with her arms folded and pouty face in tow. Saying, " Im mad at daddy. Hmph. Daddy left me, Im mad at him". Sometimes, something will happen ( a fall or booboo) and she cries out for him. Inconsoleable for hours at a time. I reassure her as best I can. Constantly telling her that daddy loves her and will come home when he is done working. That he is helping people to have a better life and we should be so proud that he is doing something so powerfully generous. That she is so brave and sweet for sharing her daddy so he could help. I tell her how proud of her I am and how daddy can't wait to come home, scoop her up in his arms and give her the biggest hug and kiss she has ever gotten. It seems to help but, she is nearly 3. Sometimes its hard for her to comprehend.

   Im hanging in there. Trying to stay busy to keep my mind from wandering. Ive engulfed myself into hobbies and interests; however I cant seem to finish a single one. I have spent a lot of time hanging out with my neighbor and letting all (9 kids between the two of us!) of the kiddos play. Her husband is here for now but will also be deploying again soon. Ive realized just how important and comforting it really is to live out here. Closer to base and with other women who go through these kinds of lives. Last time was so different. In SO many ways. Im thankful to be living here and having all of these resources, activities, and programs available to myself and the kids. They will begin some of the CYSS programs to keep them busy too. So far, we have just spent a lot of time getting adjusted to the new school year and establishing the routine once again. After than is in place and they are comfortable, we will add a new feature to our day.

 While sitting here writing this, I get a text (because you ladies know just how important communication is) from facebook saying Daniel posted something on my wall. Thank goodness I am here on the computer. I instantly jumped to FB and was able to have our 1st back and forth conversation in over a week. I can't even begin to express the comfort I feel at this moment. Just to know he is ok. I am so thankful and happy. It was short lived but honestly, aren't they all? The "non-english speaking gentleman" told him his time was up. We have to take it in stride though. There are so many still in line waiting to give the gift I was just allowed to have. Waiting to talk with the ones left behind to keep thing together and comfort, love, and reassure them. I have an intense sense of pride in my husband. I always have. He has been in the Army the whole time I have known him and honestly, will probably go career. Its his dream and I will support him and stand by him through it all. Even when it S-U-C-K-S! lol 

I will be able to sleep tonight. Maybe even fall asleep before midnight. It truely is the little things in an Army Wife's life that make things worth while. It may seem insignificant to others but we undertand not taking things for granted.

Boys, what will I do with them?

Nathan (8) is my oldest. My first born, natural leader,  jokester, and genuinely sweet kid. He is antsy; for lack of better words. So eager to grow and be grown. To try out the basic staples of becoming a young man. 

This evening, he comes downstairs after a shower. Hair combed nicely, teeth flossed and brushed, and wearing cologne. I say to him, "Nathan, are you wearing cologne?"  Nathan...." Yes "   Me....."Why?"   Nathan....." Because mom, Im a man and men wear cologne"

   WHAT?!?!?!?!?

The littlest blonde one.

 Our daughter is ...... Crazy, Hysterical, Beautiful, Special, Smart, Caring, Prankster, Friend, Thoughtful, Giving, Princess, Drama (at times), Innocent, Snuggle Bug, Amazing in Ever way.

 There truely never is a dull moment with her here. She has the best sense of humor I have ever seen in a 2 year old. She is sarcastic and sweet. She isn't delibrately mean and only tries to bring a smile to your face. She has some of the most wonderful qualities that her father posesses. Qualities that I fell in love with.  Just being in her presense, she makes you feel loved. She has a magic about her that I pray never goes away. At her father & I's wedding almost 3 weeks ago, I had the absolute privelage of being able to dance with her to a song that, from the moment I heard it, made me cry.

 She wakes up "nearly" every morning with a smile on her face and excited about being alive. I only hope that one day I can be as genuinely happy as she is. I love both of my little boys emensely and would do anything in the world for them. Now and Always. But, there is just something so special about a mother & daughter relationship. There is a bond that can never be broken. Its hard to describe. I feel so lucky that I was given such a miracle.